Wouldn't Believe What Had To Be Done...

So last night was another exhausting and upsetting one...Mike and I waited for it to be dark and at a time when we knew no one would be coming out to the farm to do what needed to be done..which was removing Gracie from the barn.I had Mike make sure I wouldn't see Gracies face,so he wrapped it up with her blanket..Mike was able to pull her out of the stall and out of the barn, but she was still quite heavy and especially to go through the deep snow in the field would be too much for Mike.So I offered to help pull her... feeling sick to my stomach at even the thought of it.. He tied rope around her legs,and we each pulled, but I was struggling so Mike made me stop and he tried doing it on his own.I told him it's too much for us to do it,and asked him if I should get one of my horses to pull her... he agreed on it finally.I decided to use Cinny instead of Honey, since if Mike could pull her,Cinny should be more than capable, and I knew if Cinny was to spook, I could handle her, as Honey is impossible to manage when she spooks. So I went to grab Cinny, and brought her in the barn, tacked her up as quickly as I could and appologized to her in advance for what I was about to get her to do... I then led her out to the back of the barn outside, where Gracie was. Mike had all the ropes ready to tie to the saddle. Cinny didnt spook from seeing Gracie, and I thought she would be a little nervous.Mike tied up the rope to the saddle, and then I asked Cinny to pull. Since she didn't know what was going on, she freaked out a bit and jumped forward,and then just stood there looking at us like,what the hell is going on!!!!!??? =O When she spooked,the rope slipped off of Gracies legs,so Mike had to re-tie them to her.I was a little nervous to ask Cinny to do it again,as I didnt want her to hurt herself or us.So I asked her nicely,and told her to take it slow...she was a tad stubborn at first,didnt want to move,but then she did as I asked,and pulled without a problem!She didnt even struggle,and we got her to the back of the field into some brush in no time.I was and still am very proud of Cinny,as we really needed that awful task to be done.I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be asking my main ride,Cinny,to be pulling a dead horse.. =/ But,I had no other way.As we dont know anyone around here who would've helped us with that,and well,I didnt want to ask our neighbours who plow our driveway with their tractor,as I wanted to keep this quiet...I dont know what peoples opinions are about burrying/burning a dead animal on your property, than having some slaughter company come and take the body away.I felt this was the best,as I didnt want her being pilled on top of other dead animals,and I couldn't pay for that either.I mean,for any of my other animals,I wouldnt have taken away..
So yeah,Mike and I are very physically exhausted,and sore as hell,as he's been back to work just for a few weeks,and I've been on my own with the farm work...Sucks a lot!But we are just trying to pass time,kinda living these two weeks zonned out..
I just want Mike back home with me,I hate when he's away all day.I mean,I know that's how it is for people these days,everyones gone working all day...but he's an hour away and gone for too many hours and we dont live close to our friends,so it's lonely here..

...Today is so beautiful out!It's about +2 degrees!And sunny!I love winter days like this,where is sunny and warm =) Really makes me want to go riding,but I really don't know if my body could handle it as it's sore and strained enough already...but I may warm up Allie this afternoon,as there's some people coming out to see her at 4:30pm,and may possibly buy her.I'm not selling her for much,as I need to just quick sell her.Too many horses to feed,and I dont need so many horses.I just want Cinny,Laudie and well I want to keep Godiva,but I'm not sure if Mike will let me...only because she needs more training,but the training I've done with her already she's amazing.I've already rode her a few times without issues,and even took her out on a trail.Shes got great ground manners now too and stands in cross ties without freaking out.And will pick up her feet nicely.And I went through quite a bit getting her to be a quiet and calm mare.Plus,she has wonderful movement.But I guess we'll see what happens.I'm more in a rush to sell Allie.As Allie just isn't for me.And her weight has been an issue for a while,but she's been fattening up lately.

Well anyways,I guess I should get some things done...ugh,soo tired though damn it...

My House Looks The Way I Feel!

So you know when you have ''one of those days'',when nothing seems to be going right,and you just feel overwhelmed,exhausted and want to just do nothing but relax and have some down time for yourself?!Well,the past couple days have been 'one of those days' for me,or should I say, 'too many of one of those days'!?...Well,the thing is,when I'm upset,I get into that sort of 'mode' where I just dont care about anything,and become completely lazy and useless!With that,my house becomes a total mess...dishes everywhere,garbage,clothes,food... Then,when I look around me,I get so annoyed and irritated with myself on the fact on how messy my home became within only a couple days,and how I had it so nice and clean before..I hate a messy house,yet I just hate cleaning it up.I dont mind cleaning up a mess,that isn't too big of course..But once that sink is full of dirty dishes,and clutter everywhere,I just don't have the motivation on doing anything about it!...So my plan is to convince Mike to clean it up this round...I did his turn for dishes and cleaning too many this week!But he made it seem as if we were even,since he did most of my barn chores,which wasn't really that much,just water buckets for the horses,which I need his help with...I dont know how I'll survive the next week or two,with him being at work..I have to drag big water buckets to the paddocks for the horses..Yesterday was brutal,I really hurt my back and hips,and was just sore all over.It had been a little while since I had really done anything physically demanding.Normally we put the water buckets in the back of the ATV,but I managed to get the atv stuck in the snow..So I had to carry and drag the water to the horses.Which I still have to do,as there's just too much snow right now for the atv..

Well,I think I will take a nap,and maybe get to some house cleaning... =/

My Baby....second ultra sound

I had my ultra sound done yesterday!Today I'm 19 weeks and 3 days!The baby is approximately 10cm.I have no idea how it's fitting inside me!Seeing it on the screen was very exciting!Was so cute!The little feet!The hands!Just everything about it!We even got a back view of it and its little bum!We could see the heart beating too!It was even opening and closing its mouth and sucking on its fingers!Very special thing to see that.... and apparently we could have found out the gender of it,but we've decided to wait,leave it as a surprise! :)

...Rest In Peace Gracie...

This morning wasnt a good one at all.Our foal,Gracie,wasn't doing too well this week.She couldnt stand up,and was laying down for a couple days.It was normal to see her laying down,as ever since we bought her,she layed down a lot,but would still get up and run around no problem.But this time,that wasn't the case...it came on so suddenly,and I have no idea how it would have happened for her back legs not working.She wasn't out with other horses,and was put in the indoor arena while I mucked stalls.When I would lead her back to her stall,she was walking no problem.She never had a fever,was eating,drinking and going to the bathroom normally...so I gave her a couple days to see...but she still wasn't able to get up.So we got a vet out,and pretty much knowing what the outcome would be...Once I gave permission to put her down,the vet left to his truck to get the things he needed,and let me say my goodbyes..I held Gracie in my arms,and was petting her cute little face,and thought it was so cute how she has a heart marking on her forehead..it broke my heart when I seen her try to get up,but she couldn't..Seemed like she knew,and she wanted to fight it,and she gave it one more try,but just couldnt..The vet came back,and I signed the papers...I didn't want to watch,but at the same time felt that I should be by her side...but I just couldn't bare it...my boarder kindly helped the vet with it...

I feel awful for poor little Gracie..She was such a cutie...

Now,we have to figure out what to do with her..body..it costs way too much for someone to pick her up and take her away.So...we may put her in our far back field,where no one goes,and well..burn her..either way that wouldve been done to where she was sent to...we will do that quietly,when no one is around here..I know I'll bawl when we do it and I see that..Going to be awful..but it must be done =( Gosh,things just keep getting worse here it seems!

I feel so exhausted,and overwhelmed from this all...What sucked more is that Mike had to be at work,so I had to deal with this on my own...I just feel awful having to make the decision on ending a life...

Life just sucks sometimes....

Waking up to a cold winter morning....

I'm awake a little earlier this morning,and just hate having to get up and leave my warm,cozy bed,and then feeling that winter morning coldness, even with the heater turned up.I always wear slippers,to avoid frosting my feet off!As my feet seem to be more cold than usual lately, and well, I hate putting my bare feet on the cold hard floor!I dont know why,but our heater wasnt going last night,so this morning it is extra cold in the house,less than 15 degrees in here!BRRR!!I was literally shivering!My solution,crank the heat all the way up and hope the furnace will get the freakin message!Then, make some Tetley tea with lots of sugar in it!And go on the computer for a bit with Nikki warming up my lap! ^_^ Today I get to go for my second trimester ultra sound!Very exciting!Although,the holding pee part,is such a challenge for me!So I hope I dont do what Ang's blog name is,''Oops!I wet my pants!''. Haha!And I will note,I do remember the last time I wet my pants,and unfortunately,I wasn't no little kid!It was when I went to Canadas Wonderland with Mike!I had to go so bad,and it was night time,the park was soon to close,and I was waiting for Mike to get off a rollercoaster.So I tried to wait it out,but I just couldnt any longer,so I ran around looking for a a bathroom!Running when having to pee,not a good idea!!It took me forever to find one,and well,right when I reached the toilet...I wet my pants! ='( I was freaking out!Like HOW EMBARESSING is that!!!!!??I was 16 at that time!Jeezz..funny how I'm saying it on here,as I never told anyone but Mike what happened,and I didnt tell him it happened until months,many months later... how did I hide it from Mike,plus his brother and cousin who was visiting Canada from Czech?!...Well,I had my bathing suite on me,so I put the bottoms on,took off my pants,and washed them in the sink.Then I used that hand drier thing to try and dry the pants..this took a while yes..and no,it didnt dry enough to be totally unnoticeable..soo,I came up with a plan!I started to splash water all over my jean jacket,and flick water all over my pant legs!...Then,I realized the park was closed,so I went to the park entry and found Mike and the rest of them standing there waiting.Mike was worried about me and wondered what happened to me.I told him that a couple guys who worked at the park started to goof around,and I ended up talking to them and joking around...and they had a bucket of water,since they were doing cleaning stuff,and chased me and dumped it on me,but only some got on me..and I turned around a little to show them,but I tied my jean jacket around my waist to help hide an obvious piss accident!..So they stood there for a second looking at me,almost not believing me,but they fell for it! =D YAY!I was soo releaved!!haha!...Wasnt a comfy drive back home with a wet ass though!..and I've never wanted to go to Canadas Wonderland ever since then,but I dont enjoy rollercoasters or theme parks like that anyways..

Well,I'm really not looking forward for tomorrow,or the next two weeks overall... =[ As Mike will be going back to work, and I will be all alone, and have to do all barn chores without his help.. agh.. But, I have to deal with it I guess..

Awe,I just looked down on my lap,and Nikki is just so adorable!Who is Nikki?Well,if you're my friend or even just accuantance,you'd deffinitely know who Nikki is!She's my little albino shi tzu cross!I LOVE HER!Honestly,I couldnt live without this doggie!Most times when I'm at the computer,blogging,she is on my lap,and if she's not on my lap,shes beside me begging and whining to be on my lap. Heehee!It's all thanks to my good friend Amanda,who gave me Nikki!!!I was in maga depression at that time,and was looking for a small dog,Nikki wasn't really what I had planned,as well,first time I seen her,I did think of her as a strange looking one!But she is my little ewok as we most think of her.hah.I cant go a day without seeing her,and if I do,I cant stop thinking about her and wanting her in my arms..she sleeps in my arm,or right above my head every night.She's always in my lap if I'm sitting down.And she's always beside me when I'm eating dinner or something.And well,even at times,she manages to get into the bathroom with me,and jumps on my lap!haha!Yes,we are strange.But,this dog isnt just a dog to me,she's my baby girl,my best friend.She's the one who eased my pain and had me recover deep depression,she saved my life really...and well,she had a bit of a sad past herself..3 previous homes,the first one abandoned her in a appartment,just left her behind when they moved out.The landlord found her,took her in temporarly,and then since my friend amanda had lived there before,and had a hobby farm,she took Nikki in..But since Amanda had like,a lot of dogs at that time,she wasnt really wanting another!Nikkis first name was Sammie,then Nickles,and then I named her Nikki.She went through that all by being only 6months old or so..her birthday is said to be in October :) But yeah,now you know I love my dog Nikki!One of the best things that had ever happened to me.

Some Thoughts...

So I went for my dream... got all I could have ever wanted... and here I am, debating if I should stay in this dream... Am I selfish, greedy, and down right spoiled? Maybe, but I don't think I am exactly... I mean, when someone decides to change their careers, that doesn't make them a bad person, right?But yeah, we have tried, and maybe could try harder... I'm sick of having this constantly on my mind!! I just hate decision making sometimes, especially the really big ones that will make a big difference. I enjoy living on a farm very much, but there are too many things that ruin it... Okay, so I'm going to let this subject hibernate for a little bit... TRY that is!!


... I'm now 19 weeks pregnant!My belly sure has grown!I've gained at least 10lbs!Yet it's only showing on the tummy... The start of the pregnancy was brutal!!I had such awful morning sickness, that I was on a medication to ease it. Then as my belly started to get bigger, I got maga headaches and neck pain, but that eased away once I put a pillow to support my stomach,and a pillow between my legs when I went to sleep..Pregnancy sure is an interesting thing,and makes me nervous!I'm mostly nervous for the whole labour part... and then raising it. I hope I'll make a good mommy... I believe Mike will make a wonderful father :) ...We will be going for an ultra sound in a few days!I love ultra sounds!The baby looks so cute on the screen, and last time it made me laugh by dancing and wiggling around like crazy!Even its heart beat made my heart melt...I really wonder if it's a girl or a boy!We will leave it as a surprise though. If it's a girl, she'd be named as Layla, and if it's a boy, he'd be named as Micheal/Mike.
Well, today was one of those 'down time' days for me... I got to relax and be a lazy pregnant lady.. I'm enjoying it a lot, but deffinitely cant get used to it, as Mike will be back working for a couple more weeks :( So I shall be in maga hibernation and saddness... just take care of the horses,and then sleep the day away or daze it away, either way just wait for my Mikey to come home so I can kiss and hug him and just soak up his company!I hate when we are apart... yup, we've been together for almost 3 years(not tooo long of a time i know)but still a good sign that I cant get enough of him! ;)

The List for our Delema!

Okay,so Mike and I made a rough list on our thoughts on negatives and positives for living on the farm and living in kw city... we aren't sure yet what we will do... and feel we should really take our time on deciding. We will probably add more to this list later... but yeah,this is what we've got so far...


LIVING ON THE FARM

POSITIVES:

-peaceful
-private
-can have lots of pets
-gain skills
-can run a business


NEGATIVES:

-stressful
-high demands (eg. property upkeep)
-too high expenses;too low income
-no friends, family or social life
-very limited on what we can do
-too fluctual on farm income
-less free time
-mike has to go to work to much and too long away from home. He has to work twice as hard.
-more challenges/harder to raise family


LIVING IN KW CITY


POSTIVIES:

-less expenses
-more money left over
-less stress
-local (easy to go places)
-friends, family close-by.
-easier to have jobs, locally.
-easier raising family
-more free time
-more opportunities (eg. vacation, jobs, school)


NEGATIVES:

-risk of moving more often

Our Visit to our hometown...

Yesterday Mike and I visited our hometown, Kitchener/Waterloo! We really miss home....
On our way there, we stopped at this western boot shop called Keleher's. I had to exchange cowboy boots I got for Christmas for a pair that I'd actually like. The ones I really liked were $300!I still got them, and they didnt have my size, so I had to order the size... So I should have my new cowboy boots in a couple of weeks!
After that we went to Mikes parents house, and talked to them for a bit, about the farm and what our goals are and that we have to make a decision on if we want to sell the farm or keep at it, but if we keep it they would build their own residence and live here once in a while... I dont really like that idea at all, as Mike and I need space from them. His mom can be a little suffocating to us, being so controling and bossy and nosy... So Mike and I aren't really sure what we want to do, and we don't feel we should have to decide anytime soon... we want to see how it is with the baby.
I then got to see my little sister,Lisa. I met up with her at her workplace,Quiznos.We chatted for a bit,and then I was off to a place I hadn't been in about 10 years!
So I was quite excited, a tad nervous, but knew it was something I should do... surprised at myself for still remembering how to get there... Mike dropped me off, and I knock on the door... my Oma answers the door and was so shocked and surprised!!I hadnt seen my oma and opa in that long of a time since my dad forbid me and my sisters, even my mom from seeing them or anyone on moms side of the family...It was a good visit though.There were some small awkward moments,but more of just that scilence from no conversations. But yeah, otherwise it was good. I couldnt believe it how they have a 60'' flat screen tv!And computer,digital camera... Honestly,when I knew them last,they had none of that,and were totally old fashioned...I still remembered their house as if I were there yesterday!The furniture,the smell the walls and everything were the same as 10 years ago, excluding the bigger tv and computer!
After I seen my grandparents, Kirstie picked me up and we met Mike,Chris and Krystina out for dinner at a bar of some sort...a place I'll never go to again!It's called FrontRow...but yeah,the food was awful,the service was just as bad,and their prices were rediculous!$15 for 7 wings,and a few sticks of celery!PFFTT!!!So yeah,I didnt fully enjoy myself there,but really enjoyed company of friends.
Then we all met up at our friend Tyler's house.He's leaving again to the army,for training...and this time he dont know when he can come back...so we had a good time!And by the end of the night,it stirred in the air that Tyler likes kirstie,like really likes her...and she would probably like to go on a date with him,if only he wasnt leaving...which I totally understand that..
Those two would be soo good together!!And they both as people have so many good qualities.
I hope they will get together someday soon.
By the end of the night,Mike and I fell asleep chatting about how we really feel Tyler and Kirst should date...and how we will miss Tyler..

Well, Mike and I decided we will make a list of Positives/Negatives for living on the farm, and for living back in KW.... I think there will be more positives for KW.... but we will put our honest feelings and opinions in it... we need to evaluate it all more before deciding fully... and well we both know what we want in our hearts...

A New Year!

I cant believe it's already 2010!Time is just flying by!So much had happened in 2009, and I know so much more is going to happen this new year!This year I'm going to have a baby, and get married.

I was quite happy that we managed to have our friends over at our place for celebrating new years! The guys really had a drunkn' hell of a time!Me and the girls enjoyed chatting up in my room and piggin out on junk food. There was some funny moments that night, like pouring water through my bedroom floor vent onto Chris who was sitting underneath it!And where I told Mike he should fix his underwear a bit,and instead,he pulls it up soo high, a magga weggie! His butt cheeks showing big time!haha. I was quite embaressed when he did that!And people took pictures!Those were probably my highlights of the night!I'd say they're pretty good!I also really enjoyed a moment me and Mike had after the countdown... he held me and was kissing me and rubbed my baby belly and whispered sweet things into my ear. None of us got sleep that night, and I'm still trying to get back to a regular sleep schedule!

It was also Mike's birthday on the 2nd!So that was another fun, late night! I took him out to the Manderine Restaurant, and well, I ate so much, too much than my tummy could handle =/ Once we were done there, we went to Niagara Falls, and spent the night in the Hilton Hotel!We had plenty of jaccuzzi bathes!And loved the King Size bed, we sure took advantage of that!!HA!Mike seemed to really enjoy himself and didnt want it to end!He's still wanting to go back there!It cost quite a bit, but it was so worth it. Plus, he needed a fun night out, to relax.

Things are up and down at the farm, business wise. It's a tough career, that's for sure. What makes it most difficult is not knowing much horse people in the area... I was planning on showing this come spring to get more familiar with people in the area. But due to me being pregnant, that's not going to happen... I'm okay with that though. It all just takes time, but we aren't so sure if we have time...

I was glad to get out for a ride this afternoon!I havent gone out on a trail ride since late fall!I was either too tired to ride, not in the mood, or wasn't feeling well enough due to morning sickness! So I have to say, I'm quite proud and happy with myself! I rode Honey, our big belgian/quarter horse. She was a bit hyper and silly at first, but then I rode her in the outdoor arena first,and after about 20min. she calmed down and I decided it was safe enough to go out on a trail ride. She did great! I even dared to canter a bunch! I'm deffinitely feeling those lost muscles now!